1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,915
(MALE VOICES SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

2
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,117
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

3
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,312
(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

4
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:47,999
DIRECTOR: Cut!

5
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,471
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you.

6
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,558
- Was I in it?
- I don't know.

7
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,792
No, I wasn't in it. What is the point
in getting all tarted up like this

8
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,157
-if you're not going to make it to the scene?
- You look quite dapper.

9
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,551
-It's a Nazi uniform.
- I know. It's a bit natty, though, isn't it?

10
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,075
- Natty?
- I bet it's more comfortable than this.

11
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,310
This is riding up my clunge.

12
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:16,075
Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo
for weeks on end dressed like this?

13
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,310
Yeah, it must have been awful.

14
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,916
-It's actually very slimming that.
- Yeah? I'll wear it out Friday night.

15
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,150
She's right. I can see what she means.

16
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,038
Yeah? You think I look good in this?

17
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,875
You should see me with a white sheet
over my head setting fire to a cross.

18
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,598
- Who's that?
- Not sure.

19
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,193
Seems nice.

20
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,679
I've got to get out of this,
it's doing my back in.

21
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,513
Okay, take care moving on now.
Thanks, chaps.

22
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,629
- Do you know what worries me?
- Don't know.

23
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,950
Where do baby ants go to school? Go on.

24
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,874
No, all these people going about
pretending to be nuns.

25
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,474
- What do you mean?
- Do you think that's right?

26
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,153
-It's a film.
- I know.

27
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,232
But they're all wandering around
as holy ladies.

28
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,960
Wouldn't that offend God or someone?

29
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,600
- Offend God or someone?
- Does it not worry you a bit?

30
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,274
No. What, offending God? I'm an atheist.

31
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,273
What one's that? Is that the one
where you haven't decided what...

32
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,318
No, that's agnostic. I'm an atheist.
I firmly believe there is no God.

33
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,392
- Why?
- Wh... The burden of proof is not on me.

34
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,790
The burden of proof is on the people
who say there is a God.

35
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,110
I don't believe in God, I believe in science.

36
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,909
Do you not believe in anything
like ghosts or spirits or anything?

37
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:38,120
No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits
or elves. Certainly not God, no.

38
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,113
So what do you think happens
when you die?

39
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,909
Well, if you're buried,
you go in the ground and you're worm food.

40
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,877
See, I don't like that.

41
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:52,558
I would rather believe that there is a God
and your soul just floats away on to eternity.

42
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,275
All your friends from school will be there,
all the ones you haven't seen for ages,

43
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,034
and all your dead pets
and just, like, all nice people.

44
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,270
You don't have to worry about worms.

45
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,751
You believe in God, then.

46
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,150
I think I need to go for a wee.

47
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,072
Oh, that's the third one already.

48
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,879
Good. Well, keep me posted
throughout the week.

49
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,598
Maybe keep a journal.

50
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,119
Oh, God!

51
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,350
- What have you done?
- What?

52
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,272
What's happened? Are you all right?

53
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,991
No, I've got cerebral palsy. Don't worry.

54
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,514
Oh, good.

55
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,913
- I thought you'd had a fall or something.
- No, I'm cool. Really.

56
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,752
Oh, hello, then. I'm Maggie.

57
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,593
I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran.

58
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,478
- Hello.
- Good to meet you.

59
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,831
- Are you in this as well?
- Oh, she's just here to watch.

60
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:09,517
- I was going to say...
- Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know,

61
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,355
because my tap dancing class
was cancelled so...

62
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,798
Right.

63
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,076
Joke, tap dancing, me.

64
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,390
Right. Yeah, yeah.

65
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,355
- I've got a question about your props.
- Go on.

66
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,671
- Where's all this stuff come from?
- You just buy it.

67
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,072
What, there's a shop for
a 30 foot swastika is there?

68
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,754
No, I got that from home. It's my Nan's.

69
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,994
Here she is.

70
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,275
- All right?
- Yeah.

71
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,512
Hey, do you want to have lunch
with us later?

72
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,718
I can't. I've got to go
and see my fool of an agent.

73
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,031
- Still going well, is it?
- I went in the other day, right,

74
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,909
and he said to me, "Andy," he said,
"if I don't get a decent client soon,

75
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,311
"I'm going to have to go full time
at The Carphone Warehouse."

76
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,754
Unbelievable.

77
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,195
- Here, got to go.
- See you later.

78
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,920
- Go and move some props around.
- Will do.

79
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,036
- Going well, is it?
- Yeah, it's good.

80
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,634
That's longer than a day you've been
going out with this one.

81
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,109
- Three weeks.
- That has got to be a record for you.

82
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,953
- Cheekiness.
- No, well done. Good bloke.

83
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,429
- Well, I'm glad you like him.
- Yeah, good.

84
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,437
- What?
- Nothing.

85
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,999
- Married?
- No.

86
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,832
- Gay?
- No!

87
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,838
It is something, though.

88
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,674
He likes to talk dirty on the phone.

89
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,751
He'll call me up
and he's coming out with all this filth.

90
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,909
Why would you tell me that?

91
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,270
What does he say? What does he say?

92
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,514
He calls up and says things like...

93
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,433
"Ooh, what are you doing?"

94
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,999
What do you say?

95
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,835
I didn't know what was going on at first,
didn't realise, and I was just honest with him

96
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,914
and I said, "I'm just cleaning out
the vegetable drawer of the fridge."

97
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,991
Well, he probably thought
that was a euphemism.

98
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,074
"Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer."
"Oh, I am scrubbing my front step."

99
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,992
- Have you talked dirty back to him?
- No.

100
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,434
- Have you?
- No, I have not.

101
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,796
I don't know what to say to him.
It's too embarrassing.

102
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,589
- Yeah.
- What if I say something and he laughs at me

103
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,230
or something and it's too much
and he gets all offended?

104
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,518
Well, no, it's just all stuff like,
"Oh, I'm playing with myself."

105
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,637
Oh, that sounds interesting.

106
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,350
- Hi. Not me, her.
- Go on.

107
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,834
Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone
and she doesn't know what to say to him.

108
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,275
Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward.

109
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,955
Why don't you just start off
with something light, you know, like...

110
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,798
"I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka
between my Oompa Loompas."

111
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,157
You know, something a bit jokey
and then you can get more hardcore.

112
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,438
Rattle off the old classics like,
"I'm playing with my dirty pillows."

113
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,878
"I'm aching for your big purple-headed
womb ferret." And then go straight in hard,

114
00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,033
"Get round here because I'm fudding
myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."

115
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,758
- All right?
- Yeah.

116
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,955
Yeah.

117
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,552
Anyway, better get on. Good luck.

118
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,273
Love to Sam Mendes.

119
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,912
Kate Winslet just talking dirty to...

120
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,360
Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels.

121
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,477
Just...another normal day.

122
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,476
- Guten Tag, Fräulein.
- Oh, hi.

123
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,870
(WITH GERMAN ACCENT)
What is this "Oh, hi"?

124
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,758
Sorry, is that meant to be German?

125
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,151
You are resisting the great German
sense of humour. You are English, ya?

126
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,234
Then I have something for you
that will make you roll in the aisles.

127
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:50,078
This is funny to you, yeah,
because it looks like a thingy. Yeah.

128
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,119
Actually, this will make you laugh.
Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there.

129
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,271
She's had a few.

130
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,158
Actually, is she pissed or mental?

131
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,993
Oh, here she comes.

132
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,912
- That's my sister.
- Huh?

133
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,798
She's got cerebral palsy.

134
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,872
No...not...her.

135
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,352
Another nutter that was...
Not another nutter, she's not...

136
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,399
She's gone now, the one I meant.
Shot on and just shot off again.

137
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,160
- Hi.
- Hi.

138
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,593
- This is my sister.
- Hiya.

139
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,114
- Francesca.
- You all right?

140
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,077
Hiya, you all right?

141
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,231
What do you do in this, then?

142
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,400
What Judith...?

143
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,155
- No, she said what do you do in this?
- Oh, a background artist.

144
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,119
Oh, right. And what does that entail?

145
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,913
What does that entail?

146
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,391
Yeah, just standing around, really.
Although it's not what I do.

147
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,598
I'm a real actor,
this is just sort of like pocket money.

148
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,354
Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they?

149
00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:02,313
All right, mate. Come and check this out.
I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator...

150
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,153
and lo and behold, amazingly,
it comes up "boobs".

151
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,794
You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it?

152
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,389
Good.

153
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,996
What can I do... Oh, sorry.

154
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,753
Better get that. Hang on.

155
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,400
(PHONE RINGING)

156
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,509
Just...

157
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,634
Hello? It's gone.

158
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,030
That's...annoying.

159
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,794
It's weird that,
it always happens with that one.

160
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,234
- Turn it off.
- Okay, I'll put it on vibrate.

161
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,158
How do you do that?

162
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,909
Erm...what can I do for you?

163
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,511
You called me in for a meeting.

164
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,352
Did I? What was that about?

165
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,670
I don't know, you said you wanted to see me.

166
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,115
All right. I'll just check on here.

167
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,036
- What's the gist of it?
-It'll be on here.

168
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:27,318
I've got everything organised on there
so it's all...

169
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,272
I'm looking at the wrong date.

170
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,670
- Erm...it's the third today, isn't it?
- Fourth.

171
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,512
Fourth. Yeah, I was looking
at the wrong date.

172
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,432
Tuesday 3rd, blank.

173
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,478
What does it say here?
It just says, today, "catch-up meeting".

174
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,074
Just to catch up, really, with you
and find out what's been happening

175
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,630
- tell you about what's coming in and...
- Okay, what's coming in?

176
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,311
Nothing's come in according to that.

177
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,754
- Nothing's come in?
- No.

178
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,309
Okay, good. Well, that was well worth it.

179
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,472
Apart from sitting there waiting for
the phone to ring, what have you done?

180
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,074
Have you called anyone?
Have you sent the script out?

181
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,594
What script? Sorry?

182
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,990
Oh, man, the script I gave you
two months ago.

183
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,195
That sounds good.

184
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,590
- The sitcom.
- Yeah? Funny?

185
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,512
You haven't read it?

186
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,433
What's it called?
Because I can get on to that.

187
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:24,598
- When the Whistle Blows.
- I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows."

188
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,479
Don't put "W", you'll forget what the
stands for. Write it out.

189
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,471
- No, When the Wind Blows.
- Whistle.

190
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,473
I'll put that in."W" equals wind.

191
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,756
- Whistle!
- Whistle. It's there.

192
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,672
-It's in.
- That's safe then, is it?

193
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,149
That's done. I can forget about that.
That's on its way, yeah?

194
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,958
I've got my best man on it?

195
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,156
- Yeah.
- Safe hands, safe hands.

196
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,758
- Do you want to put another meeting in?
- Any point?

197
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,834
May as well. And then when nothing
comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.

198
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,560
That's a plan.

199
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,995
I don't think of him as an agent now.

200
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,879
I think of him as a bloke
who had some cards printed up

201
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,395
in a vending machine in the garage
with the word "agent" on them.

202
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,391
That, to me, is his qualifications.

203
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,110
He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot.

204
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,159
Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career.
I'm glad you're finding this funny.

205
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,958
She's laughing at my life.

206
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,350
Aw.

207
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,670
It must be lovely to see her laughing.

208
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,760
She laughs all the time. She lives to laugh.

209
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,593
Well, you have to be able to laugh,
don't you?

210
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,830
Keeps you sane.

211
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,558
I thought she was sane?

212
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,030
No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane.

213
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,760
Oh, right, yes. People laughing and...

214
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:39,152
You know, don't you reckon if you can
laugh, you can cope with, like, anything?

215
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:43,509
It's a God-given gift, isn't it?
Laughing in the face of adversity.

216
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,837
- You're quite religious, are you?
- Yeah, we both are.

217
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,834
We both really believe, right,
that God gives us a struggle

218
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,230
and that's the point of life, isn't it?

219
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:58,154
You know, to overcome
the difficulties thrown at you

220
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:02,996
and the greatest thing is you know
that in heaven, everything will be all right.

221
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,959
Maggie, do you believe in God or...?

222
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,680
- Yes, I do, I think, yes.
- Oh, great.

223
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,198
And what about you, Andy?
Do you believe in God?

224
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,910
Like, do you believe
everything will be okay in heaven?

225
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,399
Yeah.

226
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,312
- What faith are you?
- What...?

227
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,472
- What faith are you?
- Catholic.

228
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,871
- Oh, really? So are we.
- Oh, excellent.

229
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,839
Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us.

230
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,837
Catholicism, the "C" word.

231
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,594
Not the "C" word, a "C" word.

232
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,990
Heaven, yeah, amazing.
It's going to be brilliant up there.

233
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,038
You're going to have an amazing time,
you'll love it.

234
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,797
Be like Ibiza or something.

235
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,435
Please, Lord...

236
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,593
let us know that you have seen
what we have seen.

237
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,754
Please, Lord.

238
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,920
You have to let us know
that we are not alone.

239
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,597
Thank you, Lord.

240
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,640
DIRECTOR: Cut!

241
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,791
Christ, that is bloody hot.

242
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,997
Oh, fuck, my fucking knees.

243
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,276
- Can we go again on that?
- Not now.

244
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:40,113
- Does it have to be that hot?
- It's okay now.

245
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,239
I'm sweating like a bastard.
No wonder they lose their rag sometimes.

246
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,280
Oh, hiya. How did it go
with your dirty phone call?

247
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,590
Oh, I haven't done it yet. I'm working up to it.

248
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,671
Well, here is another one that's always good.

249
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,559
Just do all the preliminary stuff
and then you go, "Hang on,

250
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,520
"why is the slut from next door just coming
into my bedroom and is taking her bra off?"

251
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,399
Then you just pretend
you're getting it on with her.

252
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,199
- I couldn't do that.
- Course you can, you're an actress.

253
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,318
No, I'm not. I'm just an extra.
You're the actress.

254
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,119
- A brilliant actress, by the way.
- Yeah, she is.

255
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,637
I'm an actor as well as... If there's a line
going in this film, I'd love to be part of this.

256
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,395
I'd just like to say, I think, you know,
you doing this is so commendable.

257
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:22,439
Using your profile to keep
the message alive about the Holocaust.

258
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,992
My God, I'm not doing it for that.

259
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,038
I don't think we really need
another film about the Holocaust, do we?

260
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,636
It's, like, how many have there been?
You know, we get it, it was grim, move on.

261
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:35,236
No, I'm doing it because I've noticed
that if you do a film about the Holocaust,

262
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,072
guaranteed an Oscar.

263
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,118
I've been nominated four times, never won.

264
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,716
And the whole world is going,
"Why hasn't Winslet won one?"

265
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,395
Definitely, yeah.

266
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,909
That's, er, that's why I'm doing it.

267
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,071
Schindler's bloody List.

268
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,798
The Pianist.

269
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,235
Oscars coming out of their arse.

270
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,873
Well, good luck, then.

271
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,871
-It's a good plan.
- Thank you.

272
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,554
- Good luck with your phone call.
- Okay.

273
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,233
- See you later.
- Bye.

274
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,880
- Can we go again?
- Yeah, let's do it.

275
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,398
DIRECTOR: And action.

276
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,873
(BOOTS SQUEAKING)

277
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,354
Sorry.

278
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,033
DIRECTOR: Cut there, thank you.

279
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,031
All right, reset, please.

280
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,832
- Are you married or single?
- Why?

281
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:37,596
- I think my sister might like you a bit.
- Really?

282
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,557
She's only human.

283
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,793
...square head, I must say.

284
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,559
Anyway, I meant to ask you actually,

285
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,836
a couple of friends of mine are having
a get together tonight.

286
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,831
Wondered if you were free,
would you like to come along?

287
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,479
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great.

288
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,676
Definitely. Ya!

289
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,678
Oh, my God,
I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes.

290
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:18,994
- I can't... It's awful.
- Well, what sort of a party is it?

291
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,674
Well, she said a get together
with some friends, probably casual,

292
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,990
but I want to look good, don't I?

293
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:25,990
Ooh!

294
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,589
I know. You said
she was quite a classy, stylish...

295
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,239
- Yeah.
-...type of lady.

296
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,674
This. Look.

297
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:38,556
Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us,
over the world's tempestuous sea.

298
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:43,314
Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us

299
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,550
for we have no help but Thee.

300
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,910
Yet possessing every blessing
if our God our father...

301
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,991
- Lovely suit.
- Thanks.

302
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,117
I like to look good for a prayer meeting.

303
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,431
...our God descending,
fill our hearts with heavenly joy.

304
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,238
Love with every passion...

305
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,072
How long is this going to take,
out of interest?

306
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,595
- An hour and a half.
- Hour and a half!

307
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,913
Time for a drink afterwards?

308
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,513
- Yes.
- Yes?

309
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,114
...nothing can our peace destroy.

310
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,431
Isn't that lovely?
Thank you, Lisa, it was lovely.

311
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,111
Hi, it's me.

312
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,117
Yeah, no, I'm good. You?

313
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,429
Good. Yeah, I'm ready.

314
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,070
Okay.

315
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,709
I'm not wearing anything.

316
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,553
No, you're not wearing anything?

317
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,712
Hey, both of us are not wearing anything.

318
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,552
What am I doing? Yeah.

319
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:44,994
Er...

320
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,710
First off, I'm fudding myself stupid

321
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,235
and I'm bloody loving it.

322
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,389
Fudding.

323
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,437
I think she wanted me to wear my uniform.
You told her how good I looked in my...?

324
00:18:58,520 --> 00:18:59,669
Really nice.

325
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,036
Yeah, she really liked it.
Do you know what uniform it is?

326
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,236
German. I know, yeah.

327
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,358
With what they did,
you should be ashamed of yourself.

328
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,909
I don't think you two
have been formally introduced.

329
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,276
- This is Andy, Father.
- How are you, son?

330
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,510
You don't have to do that. I'm not the Pope.

331
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,833
No, old habits die hard. My old priest
used to make me kiss him on the ring.

332
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,151
On his finger.
There was none of that going on.

333
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,797
That makes me sick as well, people saying
priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers.

334
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,874
There's probably, I mean, there probably are.
I mean, you probably know some,

335
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,590
but it's no higher percentage of perverts in...

336
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,435
But they, you know...
They're in all walks of life, aren't they?

337
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:43,196
You know, there are nonces everywhere
but let's not exaggerate it is what I'm saying.

338
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,194
I've never been touched by a priest.
I've been touched by God. Not in that way.

339
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,830
In the heart but, you know...or...

340
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,992
Er...

341
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,640
Oh, condoms. It's just...

342
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,719
Do we need them? I don't think so.

343
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,156
Let the free seed of love gush forth.

344
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,029
Who was your confirmation saint?

345
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,400
Mine?

346
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,119
- Saint Bernard.
- Saint Bernard?

347
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,196
Who was your priest growing up?

348
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,275
Father.

349
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,075
Flaa-heer-ty.

350
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,510
Flah... Father Michael Flatley.

351
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,511
- Michael Flatley?
- O'Flatley.

352
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,238
Irish fellow.

353
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:49,519
- And where was his parish?
- Just the parish of where I grew up my town,

354
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,989
the holy parish of Wokingham.

355
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,590
I've done a lot of work in the London
and Thames area...

356
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:56,875
0h, yeah?

357
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,157
...and I've never heard of
a Father Michael O'Flatley.

358
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,992
No, he died.

359
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,998
Dead. Untraceable.

360
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,269
He won't be replaced. Not by me anyway.

361
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,237
He was a great man.

362
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,590
- Can I ask you a personal question?
- Go for it.

363
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:19,516
And it may seem blunt, but honesty
is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith.

364
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,034
Amen to that.

365
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,278
- Are you a Catholic?
- Am I a...?

366
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,751
- Are you a Catholic?
- Am I a Catholic?

367
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,391
Well, if you're asking to see
some official documentation,

368
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,073
you're going to be gutted.

369
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,471
Have you been confirmed?
Have you ever taken Communion?

370
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,672
No, actually.

371
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,590
- Did Father Flatley exist?
- O'Flatley.

372
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,557
Did he ever exist?

373
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,390
No.

374
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,595
Why have you been pretending
to be a Catholic?

375
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,512
Because it does no harm.

376
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,119
Does it?

377
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,710
- We've all had a laugh.
- Was it just to get close to me?

378
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,878
Well, I do fancy you if that's...

379
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,478
Even you must think...

380
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,515
And I thought you might not get off
with someone who wasn't Catholic.

381
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,477
Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway.
I don't believe in sex before marriage.

382
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,673
Really?

383
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,192
In this day and age.

384
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,998
Bit annoying, to be honest.

385
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,152
I can't believe you lied to me
just to try and sleep with me.

386
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:45,438
I'd already lied
before I tried it on with you so...

387
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,397
Well, what was the first lie?

388
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,554
The f...

389
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,274
I didn't want to upset her.

390
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,510
Sorry, what do you mean?

391
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,512
- Sorry, what the what?
- What do you mean?

392
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,477
Oh. Oh, well.

393
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,429
She was saying the only thing
that keeps her going

394
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:11,991
is the thought that one day she'll be
in heaven and everything will be all right.

395
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,277
And I didn't want to go,
"No, you're barking up the wrong tree, love.

396
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,873
"There's no God, there's no heaven.

397
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,759
"You're not going to be up there
talking normally and running around...

398
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,719
"Legs and playing volleyball
and everything."

399
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,711
So, I didn't... I said...

400
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,956
It's like a white lie, isn't it?

401
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,633
Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable,
then you shouldn't do it.

402
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,839
- But I want to make you happy.
- I'm happy if you're happy.

403
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,151
It's just a silly little thing, isn't it?
I mean, it's a bit of fun.

404
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,470
If you're not into it, so be it. That's cool.

405
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,597
- Really?
- I'm going out with you because of you.

406
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,478
My God, really?

407
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,514
- Do you know what?
- What?

408
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:10,749
You're cool.

409
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,160
I like to think so.

410
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,594
- Am I interrupting?
- Yes.

411
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,034
- Good.
- All right.

412
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,554
- How are you?
- Good.

413
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,870
- Oh, how was the date?
- The date?

414
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:25,273
Erm...oh, good.
Let me just go over some highlights for you.

415
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,920
Lied to a priest
in front of a room full of Christians.

416
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,753
Some of them elderly,
some of them just weird and bewildered.

417
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,990
So insulted them and their belief system.

418
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,276
Made a woman hate me
for the rest of her life.

419
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,796
Yeah? Didn't believe in God before.
Definitely going to hell.

420
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,279
I liked her as well.

421
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,354
Oh, here, listen, but don't worry.
I know someone who'd be perfect for you.

422
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:48,798
She's desperate and she has trouble hanging
on to men 'cause she's clinically depressed.

423
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,554
- Have you got her number?
- I do. I think it's in my phone.

424
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,473
I'm being sarcastic because
I don't want to go out with a psychopath.

425
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,029
- She's quite nice underneath.
- Oh, she just cuts you

426
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,872
if she forgets to take her lithium.

427
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,031
Hi. How did it go? With the phone?

428
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,999
Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend Mike.

429
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,869
This is Mike, I don't think you've met before.
Mike, this is the actress Kate Winslet.

430
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,951
- Hi, Mike.
- Hiya, great to meet you.

431
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,758
- How you doing?
- Do you want a tea?

432
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,592
No, it's fine.

433
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,797
So, it's the weekend,
you all got any big plans?

434
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:26,077
I tell you what we're going to do,
we're going to have a big spring clean.

435
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,039
Yeah, my husband's going to be
rummaging around in my basement

436
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,236
while I polish his Oscar.

437
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,231
I see what you mean.
No, I'm going to be in the garage probably.

438
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:41,235
Just cleaning the car. Giving the old girl's
headlamps a good soaping up.

439
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,516
Giving them a good seeing to.

440
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:47,798
Can I just say, I mean, you probably get this
all the time, but can I just say I'm a big fan.

441
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,191
- I've seen Titanic, like, five times as well.
- Oh, that's sweet.

442
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,079
- Have you seen Titanic?
- Yeah, great, brilliant.

443
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,470
A lot of it was...

444
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,914
It's, erm...
A lot of it is CGI actually, you know that?

445
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,071
- Half the boat...
- Really?

446
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,795
- What you doing?
- Just checking that.

447
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:19,872
Is it all right?

448
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,631
Yeah, I think so.

449
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,117
So you've told them, have you?
About the phone call?

450
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,669
- No, no, I haven't.
- You've told them about the phone call.

451
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,559
I can't believe you told other people.
Hey, where you going?

452
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:33,675
Just...

453
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,195
You know everything anyway
so you might as well watch the break-up.

454
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,636
- What? No, listen...
- Well, how can I trust you now?

455
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,075
Were you really doing anything?

456
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,312
When you said you were rubbing it,
were you really rubbing it?

457
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,198
No.

458
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,799
I don't know what to do.

459
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,440
I don't know what to do,
this is such a betrayal.

460
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,909
- You're just laughing at me behind my back.
- I'm not.

461
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,832
Then what's all this with her?

462
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,112
- I was getting advice.
- Off Kate Winslet?

463
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,956
Are you proud of yourself? Are you?

464
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,557
You think because
you were in the biggest film ever

465
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,711
you've got the right to
mock the little people?

466
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,154
No.

467
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,709
So that stuff about
your husband polishing his Oscar,

468
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,440
- was that supposed to mean wanking?
- Yeah.

469
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,317
And your basement meant?

470
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,913
My fanny.

471
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,349
Pathetic.

472
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,038
Thanks very much.

473
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,519
I keep seeing her around.
What is up with her?

474
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,955
She's got cerebral palsy.

475
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:45,113
Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you.
That is another way you win an Oscar.

476
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,910
Seriously, think about it.
Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot. Oscar.

477
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,990
Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, Oscar.

478
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,037
John Mills, Ryan's Daughter, Oscar.

479
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:56,952
- Yeah.
- Seriously.

480
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,838
You are guaranteed an Oscar
if you play a mental.

481
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,109
- See you later.
- Cheers.

482
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,589
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS)